Measure Your Life in Love

This has been one of the most rigorous, challenging quarters in my six years of college (pregnancy aside; that's the great part). I am surviving just fine but it seems that all too often I find myself stuck in a rut, trying with my all to convince myself to just be happy. It's the schedule, the commute, the work, the school, the everything combined. Nothing is necessarily going horribly, but maybe it's the lack of being at home and the long hours of sitting on public transportation that drains me. I'm drained. I feel rather empty. And I must find that something positive to fill myself back up again. I'm too positive a person for this; I can't let the little things get in my way.

So after an afternoon that involved tears and much thought about, well, many things, there have been some little things that have come along to brighten me up.

Upon arriving home from work I decided I needed something yummy for dinner so I headed to the store. I perused through some books as I passed the book section and I picked up a book titled something along the lines of Positive Quotes for Girls. I opened it up and I read a quote that went like this: "Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don't recognize them" -Ann Landers. This made me think of my hard work a little differently; I have so much opportunity in my life that is sometimes completely disguised and unrecognizable. I have been working my ass off and what is it all for? It's for my beautiful, positive future is what it is for! Maybe I'm hidden from it now, but I am gaining so much opportunity in this, and it's all going to show sooner rather than later.

Then I got in my car to head back home, soup in hand. To my surprise the song to come on the radio was Seasons of Love from the absolutely beautiful musical, Rent. As I listened to the lyrics I couldn't help but smile. How do you measure your life? I pondered. What it all comes down to, I quickly realized, is that the only appropriate way to measure your life is in love. Although I cannot afford to splurge by treating myself to Hair this week at the Paramount, I always have the movie, both of that and Rent to indulge in when I need a little pick-me-up. So what am I doing now as I eat my soup and write this blog... watching Rent of course! It's helping...

As I sat down to write this blog I decided to check my Facebook, although there's usually nothing too exciting on there. My lovely friend with whom I worked last year updated me about some of my students from last year. She told me that one student is like a different child and that another is also doing well. "They're growing up and becoming what we hoped they'd be. You'd be so proud." I don't think I could have heard anything more perfect than that.

And then it just got even better. One of my lifelong friends, Whitney, just texted me "I bought your baby a Christmas present... I couldn't resist!"

I can miss past pieces of my life but I cannot live them all right now in this moment. What I can do during my now is live and be happy while keeping close the people whom I adore.

I can't control my destiny.
I trust my soul. My only hope is just to be.
There's only now. There's only here.
Give in to love or live in fear.
No other path. No other way.
No day but today.
Thank God this moment's not the last.
-Rent

Ms. Derry is truly amazing. Her optimism is contagious.